Some Rules Are Better Left Unbroken
by the.brown.eyed.girl
Summary: Artemis Fowl did not like rules. In fact, he was of the general opinion that they should be flaunted, glossed over or completely ignored. So what happens when Kris makes him a long list of them? Artemis/OC


Some Rules Are Better Left Unbroken

Memo:

_**Happy Birthday, ..need..badly.! You'll always be one of the best friends a crazy nut-job like me could ask for. Thanks a million and one for all the help you've given this story (and me in general…). You are Kris's inspiration.**_

The idea for this hit me while I was lying in bed, thinking of Chapter Nineteen. I was thinking of the Artemis Spritzer for some reason, which led me to remember the rules Kris made up during the first friend lesson. Looking back, I wish I'd mentioned them more so they could be like Gibb's rules on NCIS.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl. But I do own Kris. And they are both at least a little out of character in this one-shot. Suck it up and enjoy the fluff.**

**::Story Start::**

Artemis Fowl had never liked rules. In fact, he was of the general opinion that they should be flaunted, glossed over, rewritten or completely ignored. After all, rules didn't do anything to aid in the acquisition of gold. Nor did they seek to abet you in your quest to return the family name to its old esteem. For a ne'er-do-well like Artemis, rules were just a large annoyance following him wherever he went.

Kristina Smith loved rules. In fact, she seemed to thrive on creating them. So when fate developed an over-active sense irony and practically threw Kris into Artemis's life, things were bound to get hairy.

And did they ever. If Artemis believed in that kind of blarney (Yes, fairies and elves were real, but he was certain Bigfoot was not) he might've said that not even a pubescent Sasquatch could have more theoretical hair than the pairs' relationship. But that was, of course, only if Artemis had believed in such nonsense, and had developed a sudden penchant for saying peculiar things. Which he didn't and he hadn't, so just forget the weird analogy, please and thank you.

Regardless, Artemis just couldn't seem to get her stupid, idiotic, should've been common sense rules out of his head. They haunted him, popping up at the oddest and most unhelpful moments. He'd be harassing an underclassman and suddenly blamo! Rule Three would be chiding persistently in his ear. Perhaps some poor, unknowing First Year, oblivious to the: Approach At Your Own Risk status given to the Fowl, asked Artemis for the time. He could be five seconds away from the perfect scathing remark and there was Rule Seventeen, nagging at him like an over-involved PTA mother. Everywhere he went the Rules went too. It was annoying as hell, and Artemis couldn't seem to make them go away.

And that was how Artemis had found himself sitting at his desk on a Saturday night, his work on quantum physics and time-space dimensions completely and utterly forgotten, staring down at a list of the Rules. He had written them up from memory it had not been hard. Kris would probably even be proud of how well the damned things had stuck with him.

Sighing, he looked over the list, as if reading it off would make the Rules, all Eighteen of them, stop playing over and over in his head.

_Rule One: If you don't have a good story, make one up._

Artemis had never understood how this was ever going to make him any friends. Didn't friends normally tell each other the truth? How would making up a story help the matter? And what kind of people sat around and told each other stories, did they really have nothing better to do?

_Rule Two: Call me Kris._

Artemis had a hard time keeping this rule. No matter how many times she spritzed him, things like 'Kristina' and 'Ms. Smith' just kept slipping out. She looked more like a Kristina, anyways.

_Rule Three: Just because you don't know them does not make it a good reason to take out your pent-up teenaged-angst on them._

It offended Artemis on many different levels that Kris assumed he had angst problems. What was he, some sort of archetypal wounded, brooding teenage genius? He was mean to others because they deserved it, not because he had some raging, unsolved childhood issues. Hadn't Kristina herself pointed out the dangers of assuming something?

_Rule Four: It wouldn't hurt you to smile once and awhile._

What had made Kris think Artemis never smiled? Of course he smiled! In fact, he had many different smiles, one for every occasion. There was the smile he gave his family, with just the faintest hint of venom and malice. Then there was his superior, holier-than-thou smile designed just for irritation and usually reserved for O'Connor & Co. not to mention his patent-pending vampiresque smile used in the thrill of the hunt and volatile enough to give even Butler the chills. Finally, there was the smile he saved for Kris. It was a small, half-forced, painful little thing, but Artemis was working on it. Of course he smiled.

_Rule Five: I don't __care__ if you don't care, Artemis. At least pretend to listen._

Artemis had no idea what kind of friend Kristina was trying to make him into. Why on Earth would anyone want to hear about your crazy dream or your little sister's third birthday? If he wanted to listen, he would. Although he found himself paying a bit more attention than usual when Kris talked about that idiotic Jake and his pathetic attempts to win her over. Kris could do so much better than him.

_Rule Six: It is never okay to pick the lock on your friend's door and let yourself in, no matter how close the two of you are._

Now Kris was just being malicious. He had only picked her lock once, for gods' sake, and certainly wasn't planning on doing it again. After all, the image of Kris swathed in a towel and dripping wet kept cropping up unbidden in his mind, making the youth flustered. Perhaps the girl thought Artemis had enjoyed feeling awkward and out of place, and was planning to repeat his actions at least once a month. Ridiculous.

_Rule Seven: Just because "they started it" does not mean you should finish it. Ever._

Artemis had a creeping feeling that Raleigh had been involved in the making of this rule. But how could Artemis not react to being forced on to a Slip N' Slide in front of many of his less-than-esteemed peers, especially when it ruined his favorite evening suit? It was only fair, really, that in return Artemis had given Raleigh the vastly incorrect answer to the French homework, causing him to tell their teacher she was a fat British cow that would never get a date. Kris had been less than impressed with this story and had spritzed him two times in the face for sharing it.

_Rule Eight: Look at people when they're talking to you, Artemis. Good god, what kind of Mother doesn't teach her children that?_

A very peeved Artemis had frostily informed Kris to keep his mother out of this, please and thank you. Of course, Kris had just laughed and promised him that as soon as he followed the Rules, she would. It was childish behavior, Artemis was sure, but he had stared Kris straight in the eye for the rest of the night, intensifying his gaze every time she talked. This had caused Kris no ends of hysterics.

_Rule Nine: Playing fair is not a suggestion, it is a mandate._

This one was just a constant headache. There was no way any criminal do something as stupid as "play fair". Butler did not "play fair". His own father would not be caught dead doing anything as foolish as "playing fair". Artemis was not exactly in the mood to break a long-standing tradition for some, some…American bird with long eyelashes and stupid curly hair. He'd "play fair", just as soon as she did.

_Rule Ten: Mental abuse is still, in fact, abuse._

…All right, Artemis could see how this one, at least, could be helpful. But why should he change the way he acted just to get attention? Wasn't that like shooting yourself in the foot? Mental abuse was part of the package. Becoming friends with Artemis was practically signing over the right to have any semblance of self-esteem. One did not become the youngest criminal mastermind by telling others that, no, of course that dress did not make them look fat. Mollycoddling was completely beneath him. Besides, Kris didn't seem to mind it.

_Rule Eleven: No one has ever died from showing a little compassion._

No one has ever died from being cold as stone either. Sharing this had gotten Artemis spritzed five times and whacked about the head. When Artemis had proceeded to inform Kris that she had just broken Rules Three, Seven and Ten, Kris had burst out laughing and hugged him around the waist. She called it a breakthrough. Artemis had been so stunned he hadn't talked for the rest of the session, his insides pleasantly warm.

_Rule Twelve: It wouldn't hurt you to act like a teenager now and then._

Why on Earth anyone would willingly choose to go through the living hell scientists called puberty was completely beyond Artemis. He'd shared this with Kris and she'd given him her very best 'that's the point' look. She asked him what the last movie he'd seen in theaters had been. Artemis replied he hadn't gone to the theaters since the age of 9. Taking a new route, Kris asked him what the last movie he'd seen was. He had an answer for this one, and the look of despair on Kris's face as he began to tell her all about the documentary he'd watched on Einstein last week was priceless. In a desperate voice, Kris asked him what Artemis's favorite Disney movie was. Apparently, the blank on Artemis's face was too much for the girl. She pushed him out of the door, claiming she needed to mourn for his lost childhood. He was never going to understand girls.

_Rule Thirteen: Locking up the Spritzer only means I will have to find more creative ways to discipline you._

Now Artemis knew this had nothing to do with being a friend. Kris had made him watch two hours of some child cartoon called The Teletubbies as a punishment when he brought this fact up. She was right, he was really regretting locking that stupid thing in his vault.

_Rule Fourteen: __**Always**__ call a girl on her birthday._

Artemis knew better than to break this rule, he had seen Juliet on her birthday after all. So when December 7th rolled around, Artemis made sure he called. In fact, he made damn sure he was the first person to greet her. Heck, he'd even had Butler pick up her favorite cake, red velvet, and drop it off for him. He would prove to her, first hand, that he had listened to all of her rules. The look of absolute delight on the girl's face had done peculiar things to his insides. So had the bone-crushing hug he'd received as a thank you.

_Rule Fifteen: The girl is always right. Period._

This was another Rule Artemis had trouble with. Because he'd gone over Kristina's coursework, and it definitely wasn't always right. However, by now he was tired of arguing with her and so he let her win this one.

_Rule Sixteen: Live on the wild side, it won't hurt you._

If only Kris knew what Artemis's wild side was like. He highly doubted it was something to be encouraged. After all, Artemis's wild side got him into all sorts of troubles. Thanks to his worse half, Butler had battled a troll, his foyer suddenly needed a remodel, he found himself crawling through plasma shuts and travelling across the Atlantic to barter with madmen. Not to mention its latest debacle, convincing himself to spend more time than necessary with a certain Kris Smith. No, Kris should not encourage his wild side.

_Rule Seventeen: Yes, we know you're a genius. Now stop using that creepishly large brain of yours to pick on people, and find yourself a hobby._

This was almost as offending as Rule Three. Artemis wasn't using his brain, which was not creepishly large thank you very much, to pick on others. …much. …on too constant of a basis. All right, all right, he was an ass. Kris had made her point. But he did too have hobbies! He knew all the stars and constellations in the sky. He was even working on mastering the intricacies of time-space dimension and attempting to discover a whole new, or at least long forgotten, race of fairies! If that wasn't a hobby, Artemis didn't know what was.

_Rule Eighteen: At least pretend to think about others, Artemis. They sure as hell think about you._

It had been Kris's last Rule before declaring him a lost cause. He hadn't seen her much since then, she didn't speak to him in Physics anymore. Artemis had never realized how much you could miss simple human interaction until she had denied it to him. He wondered what she would think if he told her it was the best teaching tool she'd never used. Would she whack him? Probably. Kris was a surprisingly violent person.

Regardless, he had no problems with Rule Eighteen any more. Why, he didn't even have to pretend. Artemis thought about Kris all the time now. It was driving him insane, he couldn't seem to get anything done correctly any more. Stupid Rule Eighteen, stupid Kris and her stupid friend lessons. What had she been trying to do, anyway, force him in to insanity? Well, she might achieve that. If Artemis had one more thought about the way her hair fell around that damnably attractive face of hers, he was going to off himself.

Finally, something inside of Artemis just snapped. He couldn't take it anymore. This was killing him. She was killing him. _Rule Sixteen._ Kris wanted him to live on the wild side? Well, he could do that, that could be arranged. There was a wild, churning sensation in his gut that had been there since she stopped talking to him and it was just begging to be let out and cared for. So he did, he let it out.

It was like a heard of charging rhinos had just been released and were wrecking unimaginable havoc on his insides and thought processes. Before he knew it, Artemis was walking towards Kristina's room. He wasn't quite sure of what he would do when he got there, but _Rule Sixteen_ was dictating all his actions now, and so he went.

_Rule Sixteen._

When he finally arrived at her room, he rapped on the door loudly, ignoring the weird looks and confused stares he must be receiving. No lock-picking involved this time, just waiting.

_Rule Six._

She finally opened the door (and it was her and not Raleigh, thank god, who answered) and stared at him in complete surprised.

"Artemis?" she asked, and blue eyes snapped up to meet stormy grey.

_Rule Eight._

"Kris."

_Rule Two._

"Why are you-?" She began, but Artemis cut her off swiftly.

No questions, not now, when he didn't have any sort of clue what he was doing or why he was here in the first place.

"I thought you might need help with Physics."

_Rule One._

Kris raised a delicate eyebrow and Artemis's pulse skyrocketed. Maybe Rule Three was right, maybe he did have pent-up angst. It would certainly explain the way he was acting. Perhaps he was letting it all out at once, therapeutically and all that jazz. Or maybe he didn't have angst, and he'd just been lying to himself about something… else.

He almost frowned, but remembered Rule Four and thought better of it.

"I've been thinking about you, you know." There, that wasn't so painful now, was it?

A small, sad smile graced Kris's lips. It was as if she knew something he didn't, but was not in the mood for sharing. "I figured you might be."

Silence. Don't contradict her, not now.

_Rule Fifteen._

What was wrong with him? He'd never acted like this before, not even when Father went missing. What did this one, insignificant girl have over him that made everything so damn different?

The silence was becoming a little awkward. They stared at each other, and the people passing by stared at them. Kris let it stretch out a little more before,

"Would you like to…talk about it?" Her voice was hesitant. They were still standing in her doorway.

No, Artemis did not want to damn well _talk about it._ That would be in direct violation of Rule Sixteen. And following Rule Sixteen like a religious cult was all that was keeping Artemis up right at the moment. The wild excitement and pent-up energy pumping through his veins kept his afloat, thrilling his pulse and jumpstarting his heart.

So Artemis did the thing the thrilling, wonderful excitement wanted him to do. Something he had been wanting to do, too, if really felt like telling himself the truth. It was a heady, new experience to act on a whim. If he was being honest with himself, which he apparently hadn't been of late, Artemis would admit he rather enjoyed it. He stared at Kris for a brief moment, before taking one step closer to her.

Kris gulped, nervous.

"No, I don't want to talk about it." He said simply.

Then there was no space left between them, and he was tilting her head back and bringing them to the same level. Kris's eyes were wide, and Artemis didn't know what emotion his face must be displaying, but two seconds later he was kissing her.

It was mind over matter, really, kissing Kristina. Wonderfully, blissfully, mind over matter. His lips were moving in ways he had never even dreamed of imagining. The wild excitement died down and was replaced by something new, something different. It felt like there was lightening coursing through his veins instead of blood. So this was what kissing someone was like. It was amazing, really. Why hadn't he done this _earlier?_

Suddenly, Kris was kissing him back. _God,_ why hadn't he listened to Rule Sixteen when she first gave it to him? They could've been doing this long ago. And this, this was better than stealing things. …Well, not quite as good as stealing things, that had been a lie, but it was a pretty damn close second.

Then Kris's lips were moving against his and now Artemis couldn't think straight, hell he couldn't think of _anything._ In fact, he couldn't even remember any of the Rules. Artemis couldn't remember a single blasted Rule.

It was an interesting feeling, kissing and laughing at the same time. Sort of like…was there anyway to describe it? With all his vast vocabulary, Artemis couldn't quite get the feeling into words properly.

He knew one thing for sure, however, and that was that he couldn't lie to himself any longer. No matter how much he repressed it, ignored it, or denied it fervently, he loved Kris Smith. God did he love her. Maybe he'd always had, maybe that's why he'd agreed to those insane lessons.

"What was that?" Kris managed to ask as she pulled away, blushing and breathless.

"That was me kissing you." Artemis replied flippantly, still a little buzzed from the lightening-blood pumping through him. "It naturally seems to follow Rule Eighteen. Would you like to try it again?"

When on Earth had he gotten this cocky? Artemis found he didn't really care. If this is what being cocky and living on the wild side got him, somehow he would sure he could manage.

Kris laughed, yanking at his tie. "I'm going to want my plant spritzer back, you know." She informed him, tugging him into the room.

There was no more talking for a very long time.

Artemis Fowl have never liked rules. But maybe, just maybe, he could make an exception.

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

Remember, the Rapid Review Rabbit loves you! And reviews are the most excellent inspiration for more stories and faster updates.

**Happy birthday ..need..badly.!!!**


End file.
